While your wife’s encouragement to do less is motivated by her concern and desire to protect you, it may actually be counterproductive. Your desire to do your share around the house is possibly stemming from your own survival instinct. Having a diagnosis of cancer doesn’t mean that activity should cease. Naturally, slowing down one’s pace and resting are essential in supporting the body’s recovery process, but maintaining one’s responsibilities and a reasonable activity level can also support healing.
The human body is designed to move and remain active. The mind also needs to be stimulated and challenged. There are many advantages to staying active. Doing your share around the house will help improve your perception of control, diminish your sense of powerlessness, increase your resilience in facing cancer, provide a sense of normalcy beyond the cancer, and actually support a healthy relationship with your wife.
Studies suggest that maintaining a perception of control over one’s life and environment contributes significantly to emotional and physical well-being. People who are able to do this are reported to be better adjusted and have less pain and fewer side effects. They feel more optimistic, less depressed, less anxious and less powerless. Contributing to the household heightens your self-worth; you feel useful and maintain an element of control. Naturally, if you feel better psychologically, you’re more likely to be in better shape to fight the cancer. Staying active within your physical abilities can also serve as a reminder that there’s more to life than cancer.
Looking at the situation from the other viewpoint, caregivers of cancer patients often feel powerless themselves. In order to cope with their fear of loss, it’s common for them to be overprotective of their loved ones. Their tendency is to overcompensate by doing more than they normally would to support their partner. Unfortunately, caregivers can exhaust themselves in the process, while unknowingly rendering their spouse less involved, less productive and at times even more dependent. The dependency a patient feels can increase frustration and resentment and spark conflict.
If you feel well enough to contribute to household activities, it’s important to make your wife understand that you feel better when you participate, and worse if you feel left out. Reassure her that you promise to respect your limits and will ask her for help if and when you need it. Thank her for her ongoing devotion and support.
